The Latin Match Makes An Appearance

I'm walking down the hall at work and a co-worker of mine, who has recently rejoined Match.com, calls my name.

Co-Worker: "Red! Check out this guy I've been talking to"
Red: "Oh It's Arnold! Or should I say Arnulfo"
Co-Worker: "What?"
Red: "Haven't you read my blog? The Latin Match? He's married with a 3 y.o. son"
Co-Worker: "What?"
Red: "Did he tell you he's a Lawyer?"
Co-Worker: "No."
Red: "CPA?"
Co-Worker: "How did you know?"
Red: "As well as doing Immigration Law he also said he was a CPA but he has his sister run that part of his business."
Co-Worker: "What?"
Red: "You may want to think about reporting him to Match.com."

She immediately sends him an email. In the subject line she writes "Arnulfo?" She continues, "I work with Red (redhead) who told me about your wife and 3 y.o. son......"

A few days later I'm thinking about how I want to blog this and it hits me. I need to post his photo! I check my emails for the photos he sent me and DAMN I deleted them! This would have been great material. He even apologized for the photos he sent because he was wearing a wife beater. That should have been my first clue. But then again we would all be missing out on this sick little man. So I have my co-worker email the photo he sent her. When I opened it I died laughing.

Check out the tie and the calculator! As if!

Quotes Mom Emailed Me.

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Gary Brown

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
--Tiger Woods

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
--Sharon Stone

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
--Jerry Seinfeld

To Snuggle or Not to Snuggle?

I believe there are certain misconceptions that are still out there that are unfounded these days. For example, women want to snuggle… all the time. Not so!
I found myself being quite honest during the brief time I dated Boat Boy. One night we were lying in bed and my head was on his chest and I said,

"Is this the obligatory cuddle time?"

He just laughed.
All the while I'm dying to just roll over and go to sleep.
I said,

"Cause you know were gonna roll over in a few minutes and do the butt snuggle."

"The butt snuggle?"

"Yeah, when you rollover, go to sleep and only your butts are touching."

I guess my ex husband trained me well. Plus if you were comfortable enough to fall asleep with your head on his chest (yeah right) it would be embarrassing if you drooled all over him.

In the movie When Harry Met Sally, Harry says,

"You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner, you go dancing, you do the white man's overbite, you go back to her place, you have sex, and the minute you're finished, you know what goes through your mind? How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home? Is thirty seconds enough?"

Women are thinking the same thing… at least I do!

The character, Miranda, said a similar thing in the show Sex And The City. Maybe in the past women were needy like that and maybe some still are but today I believe women are much stronger and more independent. It seems men are becoming the more sensitive of the species… or at least faking it.

So many men say, or state, on Match.com, that they enjoy taking long walks on the beach but when was the last time you saw a hot single guy walking down the beach alone?

The Kiddo's Shot

Today I took The Kiddo in for a physical and to make sure her shots were all up-to-date. They said she need a booster tetanus shot. Oh Jeeze did this freak her out! So I pinched her arm and said, "It would feel like that!" She didn't like that especially since the pinch left more of a mark than the shot did.
After she got her shot they told her to move her arm around and work it as much as possible. The Kiddo didn't understand why she had to work her arm so I gave her a fart analogy.
"When you first fart it smells when it is gathered together and then it dissipates through out the air and the smell goes away as it dissipates. It's similar with shots... It makes your arm sore when it is gathered together until the medication dissipates throughout your body"
I guess it is obvious by my recent blogs where my mind is stuck.

Monica

My cousin, Monica, saw a hot guy last weekend and he was with his girlfriend.
We pointed out he has a girlfriend.
To which she replied, "Hey! She ain't got no ring so it don't mean a thing."

I thought, "Du wop, du wop, du wop"

Piffication

Piffication
To "Fart", to "Pass Gas", to "Cut the Cheese", to "Poo Poo POP", to "Toot"
e.g. It is the piffication that smells so wretched.
--as posted in www.urbandictionary.com

Fart

Yes I said FART! "Pass the Gas","Piffication", "Cut the Cheese" or my Mother's favorite "Poo Poo POP!" This topic can be funny or horrifying depending on the person. Most don't want to admit how funny they find it.
I was informally dating "Boat Boy" and at the last minute he came over one night. We climbed into bed and as I was drifting off to sleep, my body was relaxing and I heard, and felt, my body release GAS! Yes I FARTED! Oh My GOD! I was now wide awake and praying he was asleep but I don't think he was. I think he heard it and I was devastated! I imagined what might be going through his head and he was probably trying to keep from laughing. I finally drifted off to sleep… fartless.
In the middle of the night I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. I climbed back into bed and again was drifting off to sleep when it happened again. I do believe this one was louder, but this time I was more confident he was asleep. Oddly enough, when I said good-bye to him in the morning it would be the last time I saw him. (No great loss there… that's another story for another time)
Personally, I find this topic quite amusing except when I'm the farter or have to smell a really wretched one. For example… one day I was on the elevator to the third floor and the elevator stopped on the second floor to let an older gentleman off. He stopped just outside the doors and farted just before the doors closed on me.
My ex husband would always lift his leg when farting. I guess this assisted in getting it out. I just never understood why he always lifted the leg closest to me. I have a girlfriend who has the same complaint with a current boyfriend of hers. What is this? She says her boyfriend really enjoys his farts and loves to show them off in various ways. She has gone so far as to leave their bed for the guest room because the stench just won't go away.
Not to long ago I had to go in for a colonoscopy. Oh happy happy joy joy. As they were wheeling me out into recovery all I heard were farts "pffft", "pffft", "whoomp". I called it "The Farting Room". They told me I needed to pass gas to be discharged (hee hee that was punny). So I quietly passed gas and told them so and yet I stayed right where I was. Another patient was brought in and put across the room. All the staff was with that patient when I passed again and everyone heard it. With that the nurse walked over and said I could go. I guess they needed to hear it. When I walked out my Mom said I was the most lucid person to walk out of there. I told her that was because I was too embarrassed to fart out loud so it took me longer and delayed my release (hee hee punny again) therefore the sedation had worn off.