May 5, 2007

I’m in a funk and you, my lucky readers, are who I’m going to complain to. Part II

Part II: Boys

I’m so tired of being alone. I know this is partly my fault because I’m terrified of ending up in anything similar to the relationship I had with my ex husband. It used to be that every guy I met had something that reminded me of him.

Then I met Cool Guy and it was wonderful but I feared it going away. It did… in a snap he disappeared. I was a blithering idiot and I begged him to leave me a message just saying that it was over but he wouldn't. For some reason he wouldn’t give me that closure. Something happened in his life and he went in a cave and disappeared and caused me a lot of pain.

After that no one could compare to him and what we had and I compared future dates to him but didn’t realize this til later on.

Next I dated Hot Older Guy to get over Cool Guy. He was hot and older and I felt guilty because I was dating him for the wrong reasons. He had some serious issues like smoking, drinking (A LOT) and some anger issues. The anger issues were never directed towards me but having me around seemed to tame them. We only dated for about three months but dated again a year later. This is when I found out his great grandfather was a serial killer. Not just any serial killer… He was the guy they based Hannibal Lecter on. It all made sense now and we stopped dating but we stayed friends.

At one point I threw myself into online dating and that was both comical and scary. Yeah… No more online dating for me. Then I really hit a dry spell cause I didn’t (I don’t) know how to meet anyone.

I started talking to Ladies Man online but not by way of any dating site. It was just happenstance. We were getting to know each other and he was unlike anyone I had ever known but we hadn’t met in person. He had a long vacation planned and we were going to finally meet when he got back. I was anxious and ready to “shoot my wad” so to speak in anticipation of us finally meeting to see if there was a spark. Then I got the email. He had talked about me so much that an old girlfriend got jealous and was finally ready to maybe do what it took for them to make it work. I was dumped before it got started. I was crushed and I was amazed that a dude I never met could hurt me like that.

So the dry spell continued and I realized that when I finally meet someone it will probably be after we have gotten to know each other in some non stressful environment and down the road maybe start dating. This is what happened with Awesome Guy. I was attracted to him but I wasn’t sure and I actually thought he might be too nice. My wishy washiness about him was all in my head but he enveloped so much of what I was hoping for in a guy. We had a professional relationship so there was no way anything could happen between us. The professional relationship ended and a few weeks later he called and asked me out. It was all I could do to control my excitement but I felt I had been holding so much in waiting for this time for him to call that it should be easier to handle now. Our first date was a movie and drinks and we could talk in a more relaxed atmosphere. Our second date we spent the day together and gradually got closer throughout the day and finally had our first kiss. What an awesome kiss it was too! We had a third date and spent the day together and that too ended with a fabulous kiss. That was the last time I saw him. It all seemed to be going so well and I’m still sad over this and it’s been almost two months now. Sometimes I think maybe I’ll hear from him again but I think I was given a line and that’s it.

I think dealing with a dude disappearing is getting easier for me. Everytime I think a guy is different I realize they are pretty much all the same. They say nice things but in the end there words are empty. Maybe that sounds sad or bitter but I think it’s just the reality that must be faced.

So I keep up my guard because of the amount of times I have been let down and this makes it more difficult for the next dude that comes along. Not knowing what happened and having no control seems to be the name of the game in this world.

I’ve met someone else who is a really nice guy and he wants to date me. I want to have all these romantic feelings for him but I’m just not feeling that way about him. I have been open and honest and even told him about Awesome Guy. He is willing to be patient but I’m afraid it just isn’t happening for me. The last thing I want to do is treat him the way I have been treated but I have been open and honest and at this point I can’t be responsible for his feelings. Some of those other guys can’t say that and they are responsible for hurting me. I guess I’m responsible for how it affects me after that.

It is said we have to have these experiences and the pains along with the joys. I just have to try and not let it hold me back because sometimes it’s just easier to hide from it all.