June 24, 2007

Talk to the hand cause the face just don't want to hear it

There have been times in my life where I’ve become grumpy. I say grumpy because it just didn’t seem to be enough to refer to it as a bout of depression. My divorce brought on a lot of this and the struggling I have done to make it all work and forge forward and create a great life for Mini Red.

I have come to rely on only myself but to not be afraid to ask family for help. Asking is the key because they can’t know unless I ask them and asking for help is not easy for me.

There were times I would come home from work and turn off the home phone and the cell phone. For me it was shutting out everything that was bothering me or causing me stress. I would then focus on Mini Red and we would fix dinner and do homework and have the evening and I would do my best not to think about what was bothering me. I was even shutting out my family and would go weeks without speaking to them. This was before Mini Red was hanging at the folks after school and before family dinner nights. I thought they would miss me and be worried and try to contact me to make sure everything was ok. The funny thing is they didn’t even notice because we were all so busy. I think the family dinners started because I would then talk to Mom about this and she realized we were all drifting apart.

The family dinners have been so good for our family. With the large age difference between my siblings and I there was a disconnect. Since starting the family dinner nights we have all become closer and more family members are joining.

My goal is to provide a great life for Mini Red as she grows into her own. I have also understood that if I don’t take care of myself then I can’t effectively take care of her. So I would try to get out and do stuff like date and hang with friends. I felt this was important for Mini Red to see so she would do the same for herself when she was older. Part of me always thought I would meet someone and we would work together have more kids and create this great life I couldn’t make work with FN. I left FN the day before I turned 30 hoping there was still enough time to meet someone to have more kids and build that home life I couldn’t make work the first go round.

So almost 9 years later I see it differently. I want to have a home and a dog for Mini Red but I want to get to that point on my own. I don’t need some guy but some guy would be nice to have. I still yearn to have at least one more child but I’m resolved that probably won’t happen. The goals and the outlook have changed.

Lately, my life is harry at best. I’m in college taking one course at a time and this second class is condensed which makes it more difficult. This is on top of a full time job, being a single Mom and trying to find some time for myself after I have had some time with Mini Red.

This is all ok and there is a definite goal that will be reached and a lesson for Mini Red to learn. What is really bothering me is some of the people in my life just don’t get it.

I have a friend who is a stay-at-home Mom caring for two kids. That is not an easy job but she has a husband that works so she can do this. She is forever asking me to give up something to help her. Help her!? So I help and I’ve taken off work to watch her kids and I stayed over to drive her and the kids to the airport for her vacation, closed up her house and even drove to her place several times a week to water the lawn and garden for two weeks. While she was on vacation I started my next class, which is condensed meaning twice a week from 6 to 10:50 at night. She then got mad when she called from her vacation to see if I could pick them up from the airport. When I said I couldn’t for some really valid reasons, one of which is Mini Red needed to catch her bus and I wouldn’t leave her to get ready on her own, she got mad. Yes, she got mad and even hung up on me. She called about a week after they got home and acted like nothing happened. Not even a thank you for watering or checking on their home. She doesn’t get it and I just don’t have the time to deal with this right now so I guess I’m shutting her out.

There’s this guy and he is really sweet but he isn’t for me. I have let him know this three times and he agreed that we would just be friends. We have hung out and had fun but he is really pushing for something more. It looks like we can’t even be friends and I can’t deal with trying to fight him off right now so I guess I’m shutting him out.

I realized that right now I’m shutting people out and turning off the phones so-to-speak but not to my family. I need my family and these weekends at the beach with them are perfect. I don’t have to do anything but be me and relax and have that bucket of alcohol to wash away the week’s crap. There is no stress here and that is what I need after my crazy weeks.

When this class is over I will talk to my friend and we will work it out because I love her. That guy can’t be in my life anymore because nothing will happen with us and he can’t seem to accept that. I still hope that one day I will meet a guy who can accept my craziness and me and can accept that I have Mini Red (that also seems to be an issue with many guys).

For right now I’m shutting some people out because sometimes you do what you have to do so you can get through life.