September 8, 2005


Yes I said FART! "Pass the Gas","Piffication", "Cut the Cheese" or my Mother's favorite "Poo Poo POP!" This topic can be funny or horrifying depending on the person. Most don't want to admit how funny they find it.
I was informally dating "Boat Boy" and at the last minute he came over one night. We climbed into bed and as I was drifting off to sleep, my body was relaxing and I heard, and felt, my body release GAS! Yes I FARTED! Oh My GOD! I was now wide awake and praying he was asleep but I don't think he was. I think he heard it and I was devastated! I imagined what might be going through his head and he was probably trying to keep from laughing. I finally drifted off to sleep… fartless.
In the middle of the night I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. I climbed back into bed and again was drifting off to sleep when it happened again. I do believe this one was louder, but this time I was more confident he was asleep. Oddly enough, when I said good-bye to him in the morning it would be the last time I saw him. (No great loss there… that's another story for another time)
Personally, I find this topic quite amusing except when I'm the farter or have to smell a really wretched one. For example… one day I was on the elevator to the third floor and the elevator stopped on the second floor to let an older gentleman off. He stopped just outside the doors and farted just before the doors closed on me.
My ex husband would always lift his leg when farting. I guess this assisted in getting it out. I just never understood why he always lifted the leg closest to me. I have a girlfriend who has the same complaint with a current boyfriend of hers. What is this? She says her boyfriend really enjoys his farts and loves to show them off in various ways. She has gone so far as to leave their bed for the guest room because the stench just won't go away.
Not to long ago I had to go in for a colonoscopy. Oh happy happy joy joy. As they were wheeling me out into recovery all I heard were farts "pffft", "pffft", "whoomp". I called it "The Farting Room". They told me I needed to pass gas to be discharged (hee hee that was punny). So I quietly passed gas and told them so and yet I stayed right where I was. Another patient was brought in and put across the room. All the staff was with that patient when I passed again and everyone heard it. With that the nurse walked over and said I could go. I guess they needed to hear it. When I walked out my Mom said I was the most lucid person to walk out of there. I told her that was because I was too embarrassed to fart out loud so it took me longer and delayed my release (hee hee punny again) therefore the sedation had worn off.