April 30, 2006

Lactose Intolerance

Hello my name is Red and I'm Lactose Intolerant (head hangs low in shame). Why you ask? Well if your not lactose intolerant you should understand for your own safety. I didn't understand until I was informed of my… uh um… problem.

What is lactose intolerance?
Lactose intolerance is the inability to digest significant amounts of lactose, the major sugar found in milk. Lactose intolerance is caused by a shortage of the enzyme lactase, which is produced by the cells that line the small intestine. Lactase breaks down milk sugar into two
simpler forms of sugar called glucose and galactose, which are then absorbed into the bloodstream. Not all people deficient in lactase have the symptoms commonly associated with lactose intolerance, but those who do are said to have lactose intolerance.

What are the symptoms of lactose intolerance?
People who do not have enough lactase to digest the amount of lactose they consume may feel very uncomfortable when they digest milk products. Common symptoms, which range from mild to severe, include nausea, cramps, bloating, gas, and diarrhea. Symptoms begin about 30 minutes to 2 hours after eating or drinking foods containing lactose. The severity of symptoms depends on many factors, including the amount of lactose a person can tolerate and a person’s age, ethnicity, and digestion rate.
In other words… If you know someone who is lactose intolerant and you see them eating or drinking dairy then stay way because they are going to FART!
Unless of course... they get the pills and actually take them.

April 29, 2006

The Rabbit Died

Recently, a good friend lost her rabbit. I called to console her and reminded her what it means when the "Rabbit Dies". I thought she might find this amusing since she and her husband have talked about getting pregnant with their second child.
I mentioned the rabbit died term to several friends who would give me blank stares. "What does it mean when the rabbit dies?" I was amazed that so many people haven't heard this saying. It then came up at the Weekly Family Dinner and even my Dad hadn't heard the saying. Mom and I looked at each other in amazement.
Of course I had to Google.it:

The phrase, "The rabbit died," came to be a euphemism for a positive pregnancy test in the late 1920 and early 1930s. Around 1927 it was discovered that if you injected the urine of a pregnant woman into a rabbit, there would be corpora hemorrhagica in the ovaries of the rabbit. These bulging masses on the ovaries could not be seen with out killing the rabbit to inspect the ovaries, so invariably, every rabbit died, even if the woman wasn't pregnant.
My friend, who lost her rabbit, called me this morning inquiring about my date and then proceeded to tell me "The Rabbit Died!"

The Craigs List Dude!

So I met the Craigs List Dude for coffee on Sunday and it lasted two hours. He walked me to my car and asked me out for Friday night and I said yes. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and we parted ways to finalize Friday's plans during the week.
I wasn't originally attracted to him but I enjoyed his company and he seemed "Real". I sent him a text message that evening while he was at the Nationals game.

"I enjoyed meeting you today. I'm looking forward to Friday. Go Nats!"
I was surprised I never heard anything back but figured no biggie.
Wednesday night I sent him and email asking if we were still on for Friday night since I hadn't heard from him. I figured maybe he was just playing it cool.
Now it's Friday and I still haven't heard. I decided to try a text one more time.
"I will have to assume since I haven't heard back from you that you've changed your mind. That's too bad."
Still... no response.
I find it all very strange that this dude that I've crossed paths with before, but I hadn't been interested in, went to such lengths as to post an ad on Craigs List to meet me. Then to ask me out and then… NOTHING! It's just rude and makes no sense. I wasn't actively searching and suddenly this guy, who seemed nice, drops in my lap and craps all over me. He has a 17-year-old daughter and I tell you I'm sure he would be real pissed off if some guy pulled that crap on her.

They say women are confusing? Go figure. Maybe it's because I cheated that last week of Lent.

Tongue Twisters

Is it… Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers, A Peck of Pickled Peppers Peter Piper Picked?
Or is it… If Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers how many Pickled Peppers did Peter Piper Pick?

Which is the correct one? Which is the original? Notice, in the second one, the P's are broken up by the If and the how many, which would make it easier to pronounce the P's or rather break it up.

Is there and original way to say it? Or, are both correct?

Then I found English Tongue Twisters online:
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore. But if Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore then where are the sea shells Sally sells?

SALLY? I thought it was Susie?

Oh nevermind…can you say Sushi Chef five times real fast?

April 28, 2006

We Got A Pet!

I decided that since we can't have a cat or dog and I'm not real fond of the furry scurry things maybe we should look into some type of lizard. After much consideration and research we found and purchased a Bearded Dragon at Our Favorite Tropical Pet Store. I named her Kima, which is short for KIss My Ass. She is so wonderful, but I have a problem handling the crickets she eats but thanks to the guys at Our Favorite Tropical Pet Store that issue has been resolved.
We've gotten to know the staff at Our Favorite Tropical Pet Store. We've noticed that the Boss Guy is always touching his balls. I'm not sure if he's scratching or adjusting but it is amazing how often his hands are down there.
Recently, we made a cricket run to Our Favorite Tropical Pet Store. On the ride home The Kiddo (11 yrs old) and I had the following conversation:

Mommy: "I think the Boss Guy is flirting with me"
Kiddo: "But Mom he's married!"
Mommy: "That doesn't stop people from flirting. He's really creepy, dontcha think?"
Kiddo: "Yeah! That's because he's always touching his BALLS."
Mommy: "Maybe we should count how many times he touches his balls and blog it? How many times did you see him do it tonight?"
Kiddo: "I didn't see any."
Mommy: "I saw him do it at least twice."
Kiddo: "But we were only there for like 5 MINUTES!"
Mommy: "Yeah I know. I'm not sure if he is adjusting or scratching but I'm too afraid to look closer when he does it to figure out which it is. Either way it's creepy."

April 22, 2006

I've been Craiglisted!

"Safeway Kensington MD Single Mom Beautiful Woman - m4w"

"I saw you in the store with your daughter. Beautiful smile and incredible red hair. (Mom and daughter, same hair) we have chatted on line once before. I would be blown away if given a chance to sit across from you and share some conversation, laughter, smiles, and a cup of coffee.

I am a single Dad that lives in Kensington as well. Please reach out and contact me!!"
How flattering!

I emailed my sister and included the link. She replied:
"oh my gosh!
do you know who this is?
thats funny....and slighty scary too
you gonna call him?
people are WATCHING you!"
Another friend said,
Great! Lent is over so you can date!

April 18, 2006

Lent is Over!

Lent is over! We can all go back to our bad habits now. Ok ok I cheated that last week and had some chocolate, what can I say I was on vacation. For Lent 2006 I gave up chocolate, candy, dating or even perusing any online dating sites. The chocolate and candy was the most difficult to give up I had no problem abstaining from dating. But seriously, Lent is a time to not only give up something bad in your life (like dating) but to make a change for the good. Ash Wednesday services were an eye opener for me and the priest said, "We all give up candy and that is easy but who can go home after a bad day at work and be Joyful?" What a great point and it was easier than I thought and made the home life with the Kiddo so much better.
During Lent a friend gave me a book titled "Dream Catcher". This is workbook to figure out what is wrong with me and why I'm not finding love. I then received a phone call from a friend suggesting the book "The Intimacy Struggle" (The Revised Edition), which I find oddly fascinating. Mom even called me telling me she was going to buy me Dr. Phil's new book because she thinks I need the help. This was all within the last month and I'm seeing a running theme here. Do they think my time is running out?
I'm not worried. I'm still very much in love with my car (The G-Car). I recently read an article that explains that buying a new car is the equivalent to sexual satisfaction but the satisfaction last longer for women than it does for men. I told this to Jen, when I was in Chicago, to which she replied, "No wonder I'm dying to buy a new car". How lucky are we women… longer new car buyer satisfaction and multiple orgasms! Oddly enough neither require a man.