I mean really…. What are they thinking?

I’m talking about men.

Last December I met a guy as my Match subscription expired… Croatian Boy!

We went out here and there and he would stop by work to see me and that was nice. BUT we never had a real date and there were some odd things, e.g. he would not look at me and he was always looking all around. He said it was a habit from when he was younger when he had to always keep an eye out. Yeah... I don’t know either.

I figured no one was perfect but then it really bothered me when he showed up to see me and I swear he smelled like pussy. Did this dude just have sex with some chick then come see me? Well I backed off and told him this wasn't working but he was able to get back in my good graces and asked for one more chance. I told him he had to take me on a real date and we made a date for the next Friday.

That week he started complaining of a sore throat and not feeling well and it seemed he didn’t want to do much to take care of himself or to even feel better in time for our date. It was as if he was building this up for some excuse. That was nothing compared to what happened that Thursday. My new car, of less than three weeks, was rear-ended. I LOVE this car and I was devastated. I told him, flat out, that I needed to have a good night on our date.

The next day I had to take the car to a body shop and I got a nasty smelling rental. I was not a happy camper but I was looking forward to my date. By the time he showed up at my place I was starving, but the first thing he told me was that he wasn’t hungry. So we headed out to the movie that I had already seen but he was set on seeing this movie. I had coupons for the theater and as we got up to the register he never pulled out his wallet so I paid. At least I had coupons. At this point I was irritated and my back was starting to feel bad, due to the accident.

I went to get myself some popcorn and as I was paying he walked up and said, “I have four dollars if you need it.”

"Ummmm No!"

We had plans to spend the next day together but I suggested we cancel because he had been feeling bad. This worked for him and I’m sure he felt fine but had other plans. I just wanted to get away from him.

I was so irritated I couldn't get a real date from someone I had been seeing. My retaliation was a bit juvenile, but I was irritated at the stupidity of men, especially, this one. He wanted me pass out his business cards since he was new to mortgage sales. I took the cards I had and wrote LIAR and SELFISH in big black marker and mailed them back to him.

So tonight Mini Red and I are watching Nanny McPhee and I got a text message;

“Hey Girl. How have u been? I was just thinking about ya.”

I text back: “Who is this”, but I had a good idea who it was.

Croatian Boy: “The guy who lives in old town. The one who screwed up. Remember now?”

Red: “Thought so. Yeah you did screw up.”

Croatian Boy: “I know. I am a dumbass. So how are you? Still work near me?”

Red: “You were awful to me at a very bad time. Plus you smelled like pussy once when you came to see me at work.”

Croatian Boy: Pussy? How does that smell? I was not with anyone else. That I promise you. And I know I was an ass when u needed me. I am sorry. And how does pussy smell?

Red: Like you just had sex! Why are you contacting me? Sex?

Croatian Boy: I didn’t just have sex. I swear. And no this is no booty call. I don’t think you are that way. I wanted 2 say hello. And sorry.

I’m not going to even bother to continue this conversation. Actually, I was surprised he sent another text after I said he smelled like pussy/sex.

What cojones?

It's A New Ride Called "The Mudslide"

John was coming into town from our San Diego office and gathered a bunch of us to go on a, one-day, trip to Busch Gardens, Williamsburg. We filled two vehicles totaling 12 people.

It’s Sunday morning and Mini Red and I head out to pick up some of the others. I start singing, as I sometimes do, “Were off to see the… ummmm Gardens… yeah the Gardens”.

Mini Red stops me and asks “What?”

Oye, I feel a mini life lesson coming on for Mini Red.

Red: “I was going to sing were off to see the Busch… but decided that might not be the best thing to sing.”

Mini Red: “Why Mom?”

Red: “Well Honey… bush often refers to a woman’s vagina”

Mini Red: “No Mom the vagina is inside a woman’s body. This is what we learned in Health Class”

Red: “Well it’s the hairy outer layer”

Mini Red: “Oh”

Red: “Often people giggle when they hear the word bush for two reasons. One being it refers to a woman’s private area and two it could be referring to the President. So you see how my song is not exactly the best choice.”

Mini Red: “ Oooohhhh… yeah!”

I pick up my group and got on the road. The other group wasn’t far behind us. Three hours later we arrive. Wahoo! John is a roller coaster aficionado and can’t wait to ride Apollo’s Chariot for the first time. The word is it’s a very smooth ride. Some of our group still needs to purchase tickets so the some of us head for Apollo’s Chariot for a ride before we meet up with the others. Mini Red attaches herself to John and is determined to do this ride just for him. The ride seats four across so it’s John, Mini Red, me and Liz. Mini Red looks like she’s about to break John’s finger and the ride hasn't even begun. After the first hill I’m already amazed at how smooth this ride is and so I put my arms up. Mini Red was screaming her head off.

I was amazed she rode it again. This time she got all snappy at John and I and we couldn’t help but laugh, which just pissed her off more.

We were expecting a day of rain… even hoping for it so as to keep the crowds away. We had some rain on the drive down and even a little as we were walking into the park. The rest of the day was hot and humid and absolutely wonderful. We couldn’t have asked for better weather. I guess everyone was expecting rain too so the crowds weren't bad.

You can always count on unusual people at amusement parks. Either they were missing teeth or dressed very unusual. We noticed one woman who was bound to have nipple slippage. Often our group would disperse and meet up later. Someone was even overheard telling another to turn right at the fat woman in the overalls. Now that I think about it… I didn’t see anyone in matching outfits. That is usually something you can count on seeing at amusement parks.

We left the park and were on the road by 8pm. We went through some downpours as we got on 95 North. My only concern was traffic, especially, as we neared the mixing bowl. The rain slowed and the traffic seemed ok. I thought we must have lucked out, but then IT happened. We stopped about 10 miles from our exit, where I would drop everyone off. We saw an accident in the opposite direction and figured there must have been one up ahead in our direction. No worries, we were so close it didn’t bother any of us.

Finally, we were moving and we went up over the ramp onto 495 and hit another stop. At this point it was a little after 11pm and our exit was less than 5 miles. This is where John called his boyfriend Chris in California and we had him checking the traffic online for us. Nothing said anything definitive except for extensive rains and some flooding in areas. This area, except for Old Town Alexandria, is not known for flooding so we figured it was the usual D.C. traffic, especially, with the work that’s being done on the Wilson Bridge.

We were able to work our way across three lanes to the right and traffic seemed to at least be rolling so when we saw the Van Dorn Exit we didn’t take it. Soon after we stopped, ugh. The radio announced there was a mudslide at the Telegraph Road exit, which closed both sides of the beltway just ahead. A mudslide! In Virginia! It just didn’t compute. They said that anyone on the beltway should take the Van Dorn exit to avoid getting stuck. Geeze it would have been nice if they told us a bit earlier! This was frustrating because our exit was the one after the mudslide and the exit before the mudslide (Eisenhower Ave) was supposedly flooded.

Cars seemed to be moving again, but every time it seemed we were moving it would only be about 50 feet, if we were lucky. So we took to people watching. There was a huge SUV and it looked like a few people were stretching their legs. They soon started running across several lanes into the woods. The doors shut when they got back their vehicle but soon opened again and a different group of people from the same vehicle would get out and run into the woods. Every time we thought there couldn’t be any more people there would be one more. It reminded me of one of those clown cars.

We started to move again and our hopes rose. We soon realized that this would happen many times and we hopped the next exit would be open so we could escape. As we creped up past a Big Rig we heard honking. To our left a Jeep Cherokee had room to move forward but wasn’t moving and the Big Rig behind him was tapping his horn to try and get him to move up. We inched up to make sure the Jeep driver was ok but he was snoozing. Becca put down her window and motioned to the truck driver that the Jeep Dude was asleep. So he laid on his horn but the Jeep Dude didn’t budge. Becca hopped out of the car, with us urging her, and ran over to the Jeep. She pounded furiously with both fists on his passenger window until he woke up. We were all in hysterics and the truck driver waved, thanking her, and they moved up their 50 feet.

We waited patiently and finally neared the Eisenhower Exit. The road on the beltway was covered in mud but I figured it must be worse ahead. We were able to exit and went under the beltway where we saw a mudslide that engulfed the tires of a SUV. Thank goodness Becca and Liz knew their way around to get us to Duke Street. We were all just so happy to be moving again. I dropped everyone off and Mini Red was now awake to be my co-pilot for the last leg of the trip.

I heard of some of the road closures so I was taking a different route than normal and I refused to touch the beltway again. I was nearing Route 110 and thought I heard the radio say it was closed. Hmmm I didn’t see anything so I continued to follow the car in front of me. They stated again, “Route 110 closed due to flooding”. Just as they finished saying it I saw it and was able to detour. I diverted and continued on my planned long trip home. I was diverted again close to home but made it to my parents to switch vehicles and finally made it home at 3:30am. We found the building is flooded and I’m thankful I’m not on the 1st floor.

At this point I have been up for over 22 hours and spent the day in the heat…I’m exhausted and I want to take a shower and go to bed. No hot water! A cold polish bath and I was out.

Do you have a Rabbit?

Some friends and I have been having an ongoing conversation over the last week. It all started when Unnamed Friend read The "C" Battery *. She was amazed to hear I might have just such a device. So you can imagine the discussions we’ve been having lately. She is in the market for one of her own now.

We told her about the rabbit, which became well known from the girls on Sex and The City. Whenever we would talk about it we would make the quotation symbol with our fingers.

(Joey must be telling Rachel to get two rabbits.)

Unnamed Friend finally tells me she has no idea why we are doing the quotation thing with our fingers when we talk about the rabbit. So I Googled it for her and she finally saw what the device looks like.

We have all decided that a sex toy party is a must, but Unnamed Friend doesn't want to wait and wants to make a purchase sooner than later. So a trip will be planned for a lunch hour sometime next week. This will be like taking a kid to toy store for the first time.

The most amusing part is Unnamed Friend is pregnant and we figure this new baby won't be wanting for it's mother's heartbeat, but quite possibly might want a different sound. Maybe she can hollow out a teddy bear to insert the device. No one would ever know.

* I was informed that these devices don't take C batteries but the majority take AA.

Please do not pee on the seat, wipe it up, or sit on a sheet

Sometimes I swear bathroom etiquette is out of control and I tell ya women can be the worst. The public bathroom at my office could definitely be worse and it doesn’t help that it needs a bit of an overhaul. If you’re not paying attention your door can open up and expose you. This usually happens when someone is entering or leaving the stall next to you, which shakes your door loose. The other day the trash can fell out of the wall and several of us just about shit our pants when it happened.

I don’t understand how you can miss that your log didn’t flush. LOOK and make sure for heavens sake. Evidently, this is a problem in the men’s room too, according to John, who found a floater in the urinal the other day. If your going to poop in a public restroom you should do courtesy flushes to cut down on the smell. Oh and the bathrooms are going to smell because that is where you are supposed to relieve yourself of those bodily functions. So no one needs to hear from the peanut gallery how bad it is. Do your thing and get out cause it not like you don’t dump yours there too!

Tampons should not be flushed! Do you really want to take the chance that your tampon might clog the toilet and your bloody crap come back all over your Nine West Shoes? I don’t, so disposed of it properly in that sanitary box next to where you’re hovering your ass (the primary cause for peeing on the seat).

But as the title of this post says: Please do not pee on the seat, wipe it up, or sit on a sheet. It is beyond me why women pee all over the seat and don’t wipe it up. The amazing thing is 98% of bathrooms in the US provide sheets to protect your ass. USE it! Or for heavens sake wipe it up and flush it and make sure it actually flushes.

Pretty yucky, eh?

I was cleaning out my email and look what I found!

It's a bit lengthy but hilarious none-the-less.

The Religious Jaywalker

In Old Town Alexandria a majority of the intersections don't have signs to tell you when you can and can't walk. You have to do it the old-fashioned way and look at the light and figure it out for yourself.

I park my car across the street from my office and as I was walking in I missed the light. No biggie since I'm in no rush to start my workweek. But there's this Dude, in a suit, who is walking down the street in my direction. He doesn't even look at the light and walks right into the middle of traffic. I'm amazed since there was a fair amount of traffic at this time of the morning.

This reminds me of what Velvet wrote recently about the crackdown on jaywalkers in D.C.

As he nears my side of the street, where I am patiently waiting for the light to change, I notice he's holding something out in front of him. He's holding a cross out in front of him as if it will protect him from the evil all around him. Is he testing his cross as he crosses against the light? I half expected him to hold it up to me to see if I would back down like a vampire.

I love this country where you can witness so many strange things and have the freedom to share your psychosis with the world on a daily basis.

A few of my favorite people who aren't afraid to be themselves are:

1. "Pink Mini Skirt Dude" He wears a pink miniskirt and half shirt and rides his bike up and down University Blvd while smoking cigarettes.

2. "Walking Man" He walks everywhere at a fast pace and has this horrible hair with one huge dread down the back. The dread must be at least three inches in diameter.

3. "The Grandma Dressing Man" I see him walking up Connecticut Avenue most mornings wearing grannie dresses that are very floral. He usually has some little floral thingy on his head too. The best part is he has a man's haircut and doesn't even attempt to walk any other way than like a frumpy man.

I feel so hum drum and normal. Thank goodness!

YEOWZA! That looks painful

I received an email today with a photo that's painful to look at.

So I decided to share.

Questions:
1. How does someone even think of such a thing?
2. Is this a new device designed by Opus Dei to assist in their penance rituals.
3. Was the cilice not enough?

Fathers Day Weekend at the Beach

I’m at the beach this weekend. I love it here, the people can be so interesting.

I started early this morning doing some serious walking with the folks from the end of the boardwalk. I love watching the people. There were two girls with sparkly tops and their arms crossed. It was obvious… they were doing the walk of shame in the clothes there were wearing the night before. There are people on bikes of all types including the kiddies. The kids are out of control and all over the place.

The beginning of the boardwalk is like walking back in time. Along with all the rides this is where you will find things such as mullets and Farrah T-shirts. You could say it’s like a time warp back to 1977. Everyone down here drives a Camaro, has a comb in their back pocket and seventies music is playing on the Hurricane ride.

We finished our walk and got some lunch and I took a nap. I love weekends at the beach when you can take a nap. They are the best naps in the world and Mini Red is at her Dad’s so I have no worries.

After my nap I got up and headed to the beach. What a perfect day on the beach. It was hot but with a breeze. I love watching the people. It truly amazes me the amount of women that wear bikinis when they really shouldn’t. In one aspect I want to just cover my eyes and beg them to cover up. On the other hand I think, “Good for them to have the confidence to let it ALL hang out and believe me it ALL hangs out.”

There was this one group with a rather large girl in a bikini who was running all over the place horsing around with her skinny boyfriend. They looked like they were having a blast but her belly was hanging over her bikini bottoms. I tried to look away but it was like watching a car accident. You don’t want to look because it's so unappealing but your amazed at what the world puts before your eyes. I then noticed that everyone else on the beach was watching too with a bit of a stunned look.

It was a little after 4pm and I figured I should get back so I could go with the folks to happy hour on the bay. Dad was caught up in all his sports so Mom and I headed over and got a head start on our drinking. Dad soon showed up and joined us.

I won a Red Stoli Vodka visor from these two little hottie chicks in mini skirts. They were promoting Stoli’s newest Vodka… Blueberry Vodka. Mom decided to try this new Vodka, Dad was urging her so as to please the two hotties, with a Vodka and Tonic. It was pretty good too! Maybe Dad was just trying to get Mom drunk?

With Father’s Day coming up tomorrow we kept asking Dad what he wants to do for Father’s day. “Oh nothing nothing!” He would say. Now that we’re home, from happy hour, Mom and Dad are chilling on the couch letting their buzz wear off and Dad announces he knows what he wants for Father’s Day from Mom… “A Full body massage with oils and…” I plugged my ears and started singing.

A Mosquito Bite Where???

Mini Red has a mosquito bite on her... butt cheek!

How the hell did she get one there?

Best we can figure is... she was wearing a skirt at friends the other night and got a wedge.

Now she can't stop itching her butt!

ROFLMAO!

Uggggh! I Feel so Old

Today Is Mini Red's last day of Elementary School. I can't believe I'm old enough to have a child going into middle school. She is growing so fast that it scares me.

Is this middle age?

Yesterday her school had a graduation ceremony. The principal spoke and told us that in his experience everything is going to just fly by now that they're out of Elementary School. In my mind I was screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

The ceremony was very touching and when Mini Red's teacher spoke it brought tears to my eyes. This was her first year of teaching fifth grade and saying goodbye is very difficult since she won't see them next year.

Afterwards they had cake and juice and everyone mingled. I met more of her friends and their parents and then it happened… Mini Red broke down. Some of her friends won't be going to the same middle school. I was so surprised how it was affecting her. I reminded her that she didn't break down last year when we moved and she changed schools. She said, "I hated that school! I love it here and I love my friends and teachers here."

We only moved about 10 miles but it changed our school district and I swear it was the best thing for her. We are closer to family, she has gained more responsibility and a better sense of self. She even made honor roll in the second marking period. This is amazing since she was almost failing last year.

We had a long bike ride after graduation. I had her ride in front of me as I directed her through the paths I took when I was her age. She's still uncomfortable on her bike but getting more and more confident every time we ride. I was impressed at how well she was taking direction. She soon started warning me about everything up ahead.

"Puddle! Bump! Biker! Walker! Hill!"

So on the way back I did similar

"Air! Bug! Grass! Mini Red! Wind! Eww that smells!

We had a great time riding and we are both anxious to ride again.

We cleaned up and headed out to pick up her favorite chicken and take it to a friend's house to celebrate her graduation. They even got her a cake! It said, Great Job Mini Red!

On the way home it was dark and we were stopped at a light enjoying the radio when we looked over to see a SUV with some cute guys staring at us. They waved and I waved back and just started laughing. Mini Red didn't understand until I explained that they must think she is older and I'm younger. Mini Red dropped her seat back so they couldn't see her. I think these dudes soon realized that she was a little girl and when the light turned green they took off.

I am too old for my daughter to be mistaken for my girlfriend or to be checked out for the second time this week.

Mini Red called her Dad (my former-husband*) to tell him about this incident to which he replied, "Was Mommy showing cleavage?"

* He asked that I refer to him as my Former Husband or Mini Red's Father because Ex sounds so harsh. I suggested I just refer to him as "My Baby Daddy".

The Beginning of Yet Another Week

Today started out rainy and took forever to get to work. As usual I'm thrown into a number of things going on as soon as I walk into the office but all I wanted to do was check on Brico and Tish's weekend. I call it The Blogs of Our Lives, as these two bloggers have met online and started a sweet little romance. I finally get a chance to check and I go see what Brico has to say. I'm so confused… is he kidding? Is he serious? It doesn't seem the weekend has gone all that well. So I immediately go to Tish's to see what she has to say. Things Brico have said have been confirmed. Oh No! I'm concerned about this romance. Wait! I scroll down to find a great post by Tish including pictures. Ok there is hope for these two.

Whoa Whoa Whoa! What is this show? How to Get the Guy. Ok I will write during commercials.

So the rain went away and the sun came out and it stayed a little cool. A few of us walked at lunch and I can't tell you how much I love that. Well, there is one thing I don't like about our walk… The pits get a bit moist and the last thing I want is moist looking pits. I don't really mind if they are moist as long as no one can tell they are moist. e.g. my blouse wet at the pits.

How to Get the Guy: They send these women on mass dates and the best line so far is, "The freak is in the meek and you seem meek to me."

Anyhow, The sun is a sure sign I can pick up my bike today. WooHoo! I borrow Dad's truck and go get the bike. Just as I get in the truck, after getting the bike in the back, my cell phone rings. It's Thom! This is a bit ironic since I'm smack dab in the middle of his hometown (he is now living on the other side of the country). Thom is calling because he read Purging What Plagues Me and he feels bad for me and my lack of available friends. He tells me I can call him anytime to vent. That's really sweet but I hope that isn't pity I hear in your voice Thom. So Mini Red and I get back home and I ride the bike through the parking lot. I don't think I, let alone Mini Red, can wait until tomorrow for some bike riding.

How to Get the Guy: The Rules to get in the game are: eye contact (4 seconds), smile, invade personal space and when in doubt ask a question, e.g. "Do you have the time?"

So Mini Red and I rush back to the folks and get her bike. We race back home wipe down the bike pump up her tires, put on our sneakers and we went out for our first bike ride through my old neighborhood. We had so much fun.

At this point its 8pm and we still have a few errands to run. We get gas in the car and I decide to treat her to a Chipwich so we stop at the CVS. As I pull into the parking lot I see IT. I'm debating if I should point IT out to Mini Red. Hmmmmm?

Red: "Did you see that?"

Mini Red: "What?"

Red: "The dude in the half shirt and pink mini skirt."

Mini Red: "Where?"

Red: "On The bike smoking a cigarette."

I park the car and Mini Red is looking all around. I warn her to be careful when she looks as not to offend. We get out of the car as he rides his bike past us. The look on Mini Red's face is priceless because she has never seen such a thing.

CVS is out of Chipwiches and Mini Red wants to go to the 7-11 in the opposite direction of home. I ask for a good reason to go in that direction rather than the 7-11 on the way home. She says, "To see the guy in the skirt again!" But this isn't a good enough reason so we stop at the 7-11 closer to home and I let her run in on her own.

I watch her make the purchase and as she leaves the store I see this FREAK in the store CHECK OUT MY 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER!

THAT'S IT! She's going in a bubble for the rest of her life because this is giving me heart palpitations.

Woop Woop

I came across a wine tonight...

I'm gonna have to get me some Woop Woop.

Purging What Plagues Me

Since even before my past year of blogging I have enjoyed reading others blogs. It seems so many are sad, and they are usually brought across in a very eloquent way.

I've never wanted my blog to be sad. My nature is to take something that bothers me and bring it across in a funny way. I believe that everyone needs to vent, or rather purge the shit that plagues them. The problem is... to purge you need someone to hear it or it doesn't seem to do any good. Maybe we need someone to hear it because we want them to take it from us because they may be able to deal with it better? Is this the reasoning behind Catholics confessing their sins to a priest? I once heard a priest say that confessing to a priest is like a Scapegoat. The priest is the goat, which is rationalized by putting your sins on the goat and sending it, along with our sins, out into the desert to die with/for your sins as Jesus did.

I believe in making it funny so the lucky person on the receiving end of my purging could at least laugh. It's then that I realize it's rather funny and what the hell was I worried about in the first place.

So I am using my blog to purge what is plaguing me.

Red is not a happy camper lately. This weekend Mini Red was at her Dad's. I had happy hour with co-workers Friday night. The rest of the weekend… nothing. I just don't know what to do with myself. Most of my friends have small children. My friends at work often forget about me since I usually have Mini Red. Or in one case a friend at work was told she might not want to hang out with me because I might hinder her chances of meeting a guy. I have a hard time always reminding them when I am free and really don't want to be a pain or I guess a fifth wheel would best describe it. One friend did tell me he doesn't usually ask me because he doesn't want me to feel left out since I usually can't go.

I would love to meet a dude and have someone to spend time with but where the hell do you meet people? I could go shopping but I just spend money and there aren't any eligible bachelors shopping. One of my older friendships is failing. She never invites me over and I avoid calling her. The last time I spoke with her she told me all about what is going on in her life and said, "Well maybe I will have a chance to hear about you some other time. I have to go. Bye". Wow! And she wonders why we don't talk as much. I have another friend who says to feel free to vent with her because she does with me and is always asking us to come by. I often feel like such a mooch (her and her husband cook for Mini Red and I), plus I'm not going to meet anyone sitting on her couch. She tells me I'm not going to meet anyone sitting on my couch either so I should just come over. I've considered doing match.com again but there aren't many that interest me and I already attempted to contact a small portion of them when I was on there a year ago.

So as Mini Red grows older and I have more and more time on my hands. I am at a loss. I have always been a wife or a mother and now I'm trying to find interests of my own or people to hang out with. Where do I even begin to search?

Well, I'm off to purchase a bicycle. If anything else I can bike the paths in my free time and share them with Mini Red.

So I tried Speed Dating...

Ok so I have been in a serious dating rut. I believe this is because I'm tired of the crap, past bad dates and just don't want to deal with it. But then again I would love to find someone to hang out with... etal.

So I have decided to try and put myself out there and give speed dating a try.

I was telling TOG (The Old Guy) about it this morning and he was shocked. He had never heard of such a thing. I explained that for me it was like two or three years worth of dating in one night and less money. I went on to tell him how the whole thing worked and they had age bracket for each session. TOG said, "What? 8-80, blind, cripple or crazy. All are welcome?" I laughed so hard it almost made me snort.

So tonight I went to a Singles Pizza Party. Woohoo!

Online it says:
Come spend and evening getting to know Metro DC's most desirable singles for a night of laughs and good times. See for yourself...Don't miss out on meeting that special someone. They're wanting to meet you! Pizza will be on us!

Space is limited. So sign up now!

And check out that photo. The Beautiful People! Definitely not this group.

I arrived early and seriously thought about turning around and leaving but I didn't. Yeah me! I walk in and sign in and suddenly everyone I had been trying to call is calling me back. Slut says, "Your doing speed dating?" He quickly turns it around and says, "Hey that sounds like fun. Just act like me!"

So there are 11 Dudes and 11 Chicks, but two men and one woman were a no show. We all had numbers with our names and each table was numbered and had a green folder and a yellow folder. We were told to find our table matching our number and the women sit at the yellow folder and the men sit at the green.

I was number 11 and I was sitting by myself. Finally Mr. #11 walked in and looked as if he didn't want to sit at my table. We chatted as they gave us our instructions. After five minutes they ring the bell once and this is your 1 minute warning. After a minute they ring the bell twice and the dudes move up a number to the next chick.

First things first. "Yuengling please!"

#11 is a very nice guy, has his own business and is always working not-to-mention he is shy. Oh and he is a local.

Next round I was skipped due to lack of males.

#7 Also nice (they were all nice). Extremely weak handshake and wearing suspenders. Oye! Where is that double ding?

#8 is a really fun guy, I really enjoyed talking to him and we had fun but he's the size of my right leg.

#6 was cool. He talked about scuba diving and he is certified. Asked me if I was and I said "Nope, just certifiable." I don't think he got it. We are both local to the area and he was surprised I knew of Harris Crab House. I figured everyone knew of Harris but he said no and he bet me a beer that none of the other women would have heard of it.

I was skipped again. "Yuengling please! Oh and a water. Boy, it's hot in here"

#4 was odd. The hair was obviously dyed, and he shook. I wasn't sure if it was something like parkinsons or if he was nervous. So I just let him talk and that seemed to please him. When the bell double dinged and the pizza was there he bolted.

So it's break time and the pizza is there. I grab a slice along with my next beer and copped a squat back at my #11 table. #7 soon joined me. Joy! I finish up and run to the ladies room to freshen up. I get back to find #9 at my table.

#9 seemed a bit nervous he wouldn't get his full time since I was a bit late. No worries they haven't officially started yet. He turns out to be a nice guy who is into kayaking. When I mention I'm a Mom he asks if this is a theme for tonight since there are three others. He quickly turns it around telling me how impressed he is by single moms and how hard we work. I get the distinct impression he is blowing smoke up my ass.

#2 was nice and I enjoyed talking to him but he was definitely not my type. We talked about biking since I have been looking to purchase and he gave me some great bike purchasing advice.

#1 is newly divorced and had the lines lined up... LITERALLY! And the "If you pick me…" was said several times. He will make me laugh because he will just be himself and he is a funny charming guy… so he tells me. That's if I… pick him. I told him my theory on divorced people having a harder time meeting someone because no matter how bad the marriage was there was a comfort zone. Many divorced people want to be in that comfort zone but with someone better. So they sometimes act too quickly and rush relationships. His reply was a joke and "If you pick me…"

So the night is over and #10 realizes he didn't get to sit with me so we chat as they give instructions. All I got was he lives in Columbia. Sorry guy.

I reminded #6 of our bet and he tracked down the other three single moms. He introduced me and none of them had heard of Harris Crab House or even Kent Island for that matter. He tells me my bill is getting bigger for the beers I owe him and he goes back inside. The ladies and I chat and I now have some new friends. We noticed a few of the guys at the bar inside and we decided to walk each other out.

Interesting evening but I don't think I will be doing this again. I've decided that men that go to these things are not the type of men I want to meet.

**I did mark down one dude that I wouldn't mind getting contacted by. We'll see???

How was your Day of Evil?

The Day of Evil started off well. Mini Red was having Maniac Day at school. This started with a book her class read this year called Maniac Magee. They were all dressing up weird and she wanted to do something funky with her hair. After she washed it I put all sorts of goop in it and dried it upside down. I then used extra strength hair spray and teased her hair. In the end we threw in a few ponytails in the front because I thought her hair was looking too good. She threw on a big t-shirt and some sweat pants with flops. Oh and I almost forgot her blue scarf. She looked so cute and comfortable… I was jealous.

All this fun quickly made me late and put Mini Red in a fun spazola mode. She was now useless to help me finish what needed to be done before we left. Maybe it was from the hairspray fumes? Or is it just because it's The Day of Evil? Hmmm?

I was dreading going to work with all our connectivity issues we've been having this week. I called the office on my way in to see how the system was working so maybe I could prepare myself. Damn this Day of Evil sixes! Our network got worse before it got better but finally everything was working (thanks IT Dudes), but then I had to leave.

Off to the Doctor, Oh Joy Oh Joy! Mom has been complaining "Honey you need to get your freckles checked because you don't have a man in your life to help keep an eye on them for you." Nice... real nice. I finally went in and had the full body check last week. Evidently, I have a freckle that may have turned to the dark side and now they need to take a piece of me. More joy for this Day of Evil. A needle and clip, clip on Red all in a place I can't reach. This is where Mini Red can redeem herself and be Momma's "Band-Aid Putter-Onner".

Oh Lord, I sound like one of those Grannies who says, "Honey come rub Granny's bunions and I'll give ya a big qwarter."

Now comes the exciting part of the day… I finally bought a laptop. Mom and I sat down to review specs and prices of Dell computers and we bought ourselves some computers. She says Dad's gonna Poop cause she's been shopping too much lately. I say, "Let's really make Dad Poop and buy mine for me!"

Next up for Red… A Bicycle! My 12 year old ten-speed is done for. I want to show Mini Red the paths I used to bike as a kid. I can't wait! Reds out biking.

Now all I need is a Sugar Daddy to track my freckles and buy my bicycle. I'm doing a speed dating thing on Thursday (terrifying) maybe I can find that Sugar Daddy there?

I guess The Day of Evil wasn't so bad after all.

Hilarious

You have to take a few minutes and watch this.

It made my day.

I'm in Love with a Confederate Hellcat

It all started with getting my haircut. I had a twenty-minute wait so I ran to get my eyebrows waxed at the nail salon on the other side of the mall. I mentioned to the girl waxing my brows that I was getting my hair cut at the Robert Lewis Salon.

She says, "Oh you have to go to the Asian Guy. He is great! See look at my hair… he cut the layers in my hair and did the color and I look great, right?"

Her hair did look good but I told her I have a stylist.

She pushes, "Well if your stylist is out then you have to see the Asian Guy. He's the only guy there so you can't miss him."

I appease her and assure her I will definitely use him if my stylist is out and I just HAVE to get my hair cut.

I relayed this to Kim (my stylist) and she promptly started teasing him, since his station is behind hers. She tells me he has groupies in the nail salon. He laughs and agrees. This guy reminds me a lot of Ken. Ken used to work for my company and he would say things like "I'm always taking pictures cause I'm da Asian Guy"

Someone comes in and starts commenting on The Asian Guy's helmet. Kim tells me he just got a new motorcycle… A Confederate Hellcat.

I asked if it was a sport bike and she replies with and enthusiastic "NO! let me show you. I took a picture with my phone!"

"WOW! That's no sport bike… NICE!"

Mind you I'm looking at a fuzzy cell phone pic. I make a mental note to Google it. (God Bless Google)

I'm reminded of it the next day and Googled it. (click on photo for website)


OMG! This bike is not only sexy but I would almost dare to say it's erotic!

I'm perusing the site and saw a Click Here for more photos so I, of course, clicked there. OHHHHHH NOOOOOO! Tom Cruise!

BACK Button!

He scares me!

I click on the CM Cinema and they have a great video. Make sure your sound is on when you watch it.

I wonder how much these cost? There isn't a back seat so I might have to learn to drive a motorcycle then purchase one of these beautiful machines (dreaming). How much are they anyway? OMG! Ok that dream is over… MSRP is $67,500. I would say definitely worth the price its just outta this Chicks price range.

Then I find Sounds. Oh yeah this is nice. There are two… Revving and Passing. You have to listen.

I will be.

Which is Worse?

1. Annual exam by your OB/GYN (love them stirrups).

2. Full body check of your freckles by the Dermatologist in search of freckles gone bad (equivalent to one of those naked in public nightmares).

The Road Rageous Commute

If you were a fly stuck inside my car during my commute between Maryland and Virginia, via D.C., here are some things you might hear coming out of my mouth.

Green means GO!

The gas is on the right Bra!

Stay in your lane Sista.

(Sings) "Nobody Mourns the Wicked" (from the Wicked soundtrack)

Dude... Stop checking out the chick and go!

Move it! Move it! Move it!

Outta my way!

Hmmm if the honey got off her phone she might be able to stay in her lane.

(Sings) "Whenever you call me, I'll be there, Whenever you want me, I'll be there Whenever you need me, I'll be there, I'll be around" cause I'm stuck in traffic.

Use your signal cause I can't read your mind!

Welcome to my lane.

Back off Buster or come up and introduce yourself cause we're getting intimate here!

RAISE YOUR HAND TO THANK ME!

Was that an Afro Mullet? OMG! It was!

Yes I'm waving at YOU. I'm the one you just cut off!

(Sings) I will survive!

Phew! I'm home… finally!