Oh So True!

Mini Red and I are watching Dog, The Bounty Hunter and she says:

"Mom look at Dog's hair! It's always styled the same way."

"Just like Joe Dirt's"

A Short Conversation

Friend: How's the lizard?

Red: She's fine. Except she's been creeping me out lately.

Friend: How so?

Red: She was on my shoulder the other day and crawling towards my neck, probably for warmth, and I got the heebie geebies for some reason. Plus I've been feeling bad because every time she sits on my shoulder my hair is in a ponytail and I whack her with my hair.

Friend: So your telling me you can't stop Whacking the Lizard?

Today is the Annual Bike To Work Day

I had completely forgotten it was Bike To Work Day until I was driving down the road and I got stuck behind a Dad and his daughter biking in the road. Not so sure if it's such a good idea to have the kid in the road but I waited because they looked so cute. I get to the stop sign and the daughter crosses the street to another Dad who is waiting with about five other kids, all on bikes. The two Dads say hello and the one continues on. That was Awesome to witness. These parents are making a concerted effort to pass along good values and habits. Yes biking is good especially with these awful gas prices.

We are all being forced to conserve since we are going broke on gas. Maybe this will get more cars off the road and more people on public transportation, walking or biking. For years there has been such an effort to conserve and protect our world and all they had to do was raise the gas prices to heart attack levels.

There were definitely more bikes than runners on the paths this morning but I was surprised there wasn't a bigger turn out. Maybe I was just in the wrong area to witness a bigger show of bikes. If I didn't have such a long commute I might consider it. I guess I would need to get a working bike first.

Freelance Investigative Reporting

A certain person had an elevator encounter with Former Virginia Governor Mark Warner in the elevator in Alexandria today.

Despite the obvious danger of the redhead with the bow and suction cup arrows the former governor continued to his appointment and was later seen leaving the building unscathed.


The real story:

Mini Red was relinquishing a toy to a friend. Red was just delivering and thought the man looked familiar. She googled him as soon as she reached her office to fully realize her encounter with The Former Governor of Virginia.

A special thanks to "The Mosh" for his reporting contributions to this piece.

What is Today?

What do you do when you're stuck in traffic on Connecticut Avenue?

I was driving into work this morning and noticed the woman in the car behind me because she looked familiar. Then she popped something out of her mouth. It looked as if she had some dental device that she was playing with. I thought that was odd, and wondered if she would pop that device out during meetings. I mean if she is playing with it that much while driving then she might subconsciously pop that sucker out during a meeting or better yet with a client.

I kept looking in my rearview mirror because I couldn't believe a grown woman was playing with a dental device that much.

Then it hit me. Maybe it was some face exerciser? Not sure how I would know of any facial exercise device.

Busted! I think she saw me staring. She took the device out. Wow! She looks completely different without that thing in her mouth.

So I Googled to see if there was any such device. BINGO! It's call the Facial Flex.
The Before and After photos are ridiculous. The before photos show the women without makeup and their hair a mess. The After photos have them all made up and hair done. Do they really think we will fall for these? The woman I saw this morning did. It makes me wonder what she does for a living… she's probably in the Senate.

Mini Red has a Boyfriend

My Mom says "I always hoped you'd have a child who is just like you so you will know my pain but Mini Red is worse than you ever were". My daughter is awesome and I love the things that come out of her mouth (some of the time).

Mini Red is now starting puberty and I had a big wake up call on Friday when she had a boy/girl ice skating party. Her boyfriend was going to be there and she wanted tell him she would be his date for the 5th grade party at the end of the year. This didn't bother me until I went to pick her up from the rink.

The lights were down low and I had flashbacks to when I was a teen and I would go to the roller skating rink. They would announce Couples Skate and Endless Love would be playing in the background. This means dances are coming up and she will dance slow dances with boys and… ok I need to stop there because I'm in terror now and I need to be a cool Mom.

I'm walking around trying to see who is on the ice… and with whom… Phew! None of them are coupling up and Mini Red isn't skating well, which is evident by her hanging on some device to help her. I don't see the boyfriend anywhere but here comes his Mom. This is our first chance to discuss the kids without them near.

I find out that the boyfriend has been asking if he could take Mini Red to a movie. He tells his Mom that she can stay in the theater too. After the movie maybe they can go to dinner? She tells me she is trying to keep cool as he divulges his plans. She suggests a group of kids but he is dead set on just he and Mini Red. We go on to share tidbits we have heard from the kids in reference to each other, when Mini Red asked what the rules are on her having a boyfriend. I was surprised and felt she was too young but told her that I didn't think there was any problem as long as there were rules: "No kissing, hugging and no dates". She goes on to tell me, "Boyfriend's Mom says he can't have a girlfriend until 6th Grade". After hearing this I'm not worried until his Mother tells me they never discussed any such rule.

My hair may not have any white yet but I have a feeling it's coming soon.

Sunday is Auction Day

It's Sunday and that means Auction Day. My parents have found a weekly auction in Emmitsburg, about an hour north of D.C.
I love going to the auction because you never know what treasure you might find. BUT… Red sticks out like a sore thumb. The majority of people at these auctions are the Good-Ole-Boys. They smell like they had one too many beers the night before, or maybe it's just their BO from being out in the woods hunting and they haven't had time to shower.
Today there wasn't much to choose from but they always have tools and this is what the Good-Ole-Boys come to the auction for. This is when my Dad stepped up to see if he could get any deals as Mom was rifling through the other tables, for the fifth time, to see if she could find anything. I noticed that every man there was wearing a baseball cap and no two were alike. It's not just women who don't want to show up at an event wearing the same dress as someone else, evidently, men feel the same way and it's evident at this event they didn't want to show up wearing the same hat. All the hats were of a similar nature promoting farm equipment or fishing gear. Oddly enough, none were of sports teams except for one in tribute to Dale Earnhardt.
Emmitsburg is only an hour north but it a place where everything seems simpler and there's no hustle and bustle. They have their own fashion style and it seems to be stuck in the 80's. The women are no nonsense, e.g. the woman who wore the same hunting camouflage jumper as her man. The ones who are high maintenance go a bit overboard and have bleach blond frizzy hair, big bangs and overdone eyeliner. The shoe of choice is the Reebok High Top and here I thought they had stopped manufacturing those 15 years ago.
The older men have the long beards, missing teeth and Buddha bellies wearing their overalls and John Deere caps. The older women look similar but none of them seem to worry about it.
I have made some great finds at the auction but it's usually hit or miss. The one constant are the people and that may be my favorite part.

To find and auction in your area: http://www.auctionzip.com/

Cricket Run

It's amazing the conversations that evolve with my (11 yr old) daughter and I, especially, on our cricket runs.

When we arrived at Our Favorite Tropical Pet Store to get this weeks supply of crickets for Kima, no one was around. I was looking at something and suggested The Kiddo check the Reptile Room. She came back from the Reptile Room and wanted to leave because she didn't see anyone and this gave her a bad feeling. I reminded her of the shark feedings,which often draws a crowd, maybe everyone was back there. I then heaard her talking to the Boss Guy and I'm sure he is trying to be witty as usual. The Kiddo asks him about the crickets we need and if we should get the small or medium. We all agree on the medium (they are bigger and creepier, ewwwww).

We realized as we were driving home that the Boss Guy has not even neared touching his balls, at least from what we've seen, on either of our last two trips there. We wondered, in unison, if maybe he was reading Life of RED and has now been alerted to the fact that we notice the abundance of ball touching.

The Kiddo proceeded to tell me of her conversation with Boss Guy. The first thing he said was "Where's your Lovely Mom?" We realize that Boss Guy has a bit of an accent that sounds like Jimmy Stewart (JS) dressed in sweats. I ask The Kiddo if she had a Dad with her would he ask, "Where's your Lovely Dad?" (in JS accent). The Kiddo imitates Boss Guy, with a JS accent, saying, "Where's your Lovely Teenage Daughter". How funny! We also make the realization that he cocks his head back similar to a movement that a lizard makes. Maybe he's been hanging around these animals too long? Next thing you know his tongue will suddenly come out and lick his eyeball or even worse… his balls.

Blatant, Absolutely Blatant

As I was standing outside my office building waiting for co-workers for our Friday Chicken Pad Thai lunch, I see them and they are crossing the street towards me. A man walks up from behind and stops next to me. He turns and BLATANTLY checks me out from head to toe and walks on.

I asked my co-workers if they saw that and all but Adam looked dumfounded. Adam just starts laughing at how blatantly this man just checked me out and mimicked the scene for the others.

I don't know if I should feel flattered or taken advantage of?

Overheard

The DCist was referencing things overheard in D.C., which reminded me of a trip to the Zoo some years ago.

I was standing with a friend watching two Cheetahs. One kept chasing and trying to pounce on the other. A Man was standing behind us with his pregnant wife and their two kids. He said, "I know how he feels". I thought, "You must have caught her at least three times."

Then today as I was walking down King Street I overhear this little man telling this woman, "Exotic women really excite me!" I couldn't help it... I burst out laughing as I was walking down the street alone.

Eligible Billionaires

Oh oh oh! Now here is an article for me… The world's most eligible billionaires or better yet… for Anna Nicole Smith. When I saw this on MSN.com I had to check it out. Forget online dating… you just have to know where to look. So they are supplying us with a shopping list of Billionaire Bachelors.
First thing is The Location:

"The best place to find unattached billionaires is in the U.S. The West Coast"

The Strategy:

"In some cases, you can find more than one eligible single in the same family."
"Royalty is another smart bet."

The Downside:

"Billionaires can also come with their own unique set of baggage."
"You should also watch out for those already tied up with supermodel friends"

Alrighty then, this article hasn't been very helpful. I can't move to the West Coast, at least for right now. I was hoping for more of a spreadsheet type list of the billionaires including location, social status, e.g. never married, divorced, how many kids etc. Their likes and dislikes, e.g. will settle for nothing less than a beautiful Red Head from the East Coast.

Too Much Construction

Construction in my office building started with the need to install a sprinkler system. It's kinda scary that there never was a sprinkler system. Especially, since our building is attached to one of Alexandria's Court Houses. On top of that they are re-doing the walls and wallpaper, doors and soon to come the carpet. Oh I almost forgot the parking garage.

So then driving my hour drive home there is road construction. This is D.C. there is ALWAYS road construction. This is especially fun if I have to go to my client site prior to the office and I have to travel over the Woodrow Wilson Bridge. It's fascinating to see all the construction come to fruition but the backup can be painful. At least in the car I've been listening to Angels and Demons, by Dan Brown, on CD.

I get home just as the dudes working on my apartment building are leaving. They have renovated the lobby, windows, carpet, flooring, painted the walls in the hall and are currently updating all the balconies. I love what they have done to the building except for the gold paint on the elevators.

With all this construction you'd think there would be some hunky dudes… no such luck. The only good part is I'm getting high from all the fumes.

Would Fake Boobs Burst in Space?

As I was reading the DC Metro Bloggings of today I came across a piece from Wayan, Boob Job Donations are so 2002. He referenced, Michelle, a woman who was soliciting donations so she could get a boob job. I'm amazed at the lengths people will go to get what they want… yet oddly… I sometimes wish I had no inhibitions that might allow me to do similarly. No, I definitely do NOT need boobs they are big enough.

I scrolled down to find a question that was posted:

Would fake boobs burst in space?

What a question? Why? Or better yet who cares. I would assume that any woman who is interested in becoming an astronaut would not be so vain. There is no Vain in Space!

The answer to this most perplexing question…

“Your boobs may explode in space,” says the Sun.
Experts reckon boob implants may “expand and burst due to cabin pressure”.
"More than 157 people have forked out a massive £115,000 to rocket up to 400,000ft above Earth on the Virgin Galactic shuttle. Due to take place in 2008."

Evidently, they have concerns of breasts exploding especially with:

"Fibbing celebs whose lady lumps grew overnight as soon as they found fame. Throw them all in," They say. "It’ll be the next reality TV show – Real Life Pop Corn."

Who woulda thunk it?

DC Drivers

Sometimes the dude behind me in traffic is so far up my butt I want to just get out of the car and say:

"Hi! I'm Red! You were so far up my butt I thought I should introduce myself before it got more intimate."

For the Love of All Things Good and Holy!

CourtHouse Boy is yummy and I have been crushing on him for years. Then I quit smoking and that made him less desirable since he smokes. Well it looks like he has quit or is at least giving it a very serious attempt. So lately I have been noticing him… again… well… I never really stopped noticing him.

Then I find out another in my office has noticed him. I tell her that neither of us can have him now since if she got him then I would be sad and if I got him then she would be sad. She tells me she would be happy for me if I got him. BULL POOPY! "You would still be sad", I tell her.

With all that going on I think I had some moments of cockiness. I started thinking if I could just bump into him and say hi it would all be over for him and he would fall at my feet asking where I have been all of his life. HAHAHA that is too funny… just like some silly little schoolgirl.

Finally, I see him as I'm walking to the garage and he is walking towards me and I'm walking towards him and… NOTHING! I COULDN'T DO IT! FOR THE LOVE OF… (See title). I really need to get over it and stop this shy SHIT.

Maybe I have just been so enamored with this Studly Muffin for so long that I have put him in a place in my mind where he is unreachable.

Friends say no one is unreachable.

I say… sometimes I'm too tired to reach… so I try to get someone else to do it.

Cougars, The Hunters or the Prey?

In my office's ritualistic walk to Starbucks this morning, Trish and I were discussing Life of Red and the "Hot Young'un". I suggested she check out the developing discussions with Menace in the comments section. Seems Menace and I have both made realizations as to how the next generation views… hmmmm…. Sex and the older woman.

Well, Trish tells me " MILFs are out "Cougars are in". I must have had a strange look on my face because I had no idea what she was talking about. Cougar? The animal? What is a Cougar? Evidently, the discussion, and definition, of "Cougar" is everywhere including the Morning Shows.

"MILFs are out "Cougars are in." say the College Boys. I find this a bit strange since MILF always seemed to be a statement or label placed on someone, where as this college website defines Cougar as a way of life.

Urban Cougar defines the cougar into groups, or should I say packs. Valerie Gibson has written a book about Cougars. Ms. Gibson says that Joan Collins started this trend and it has become more popular today, which is evident by Demi Moore, Cameron Diaz, Susan Sarandon, to name a few. She goes on to explain that the Cougars are not only the hunters but also the prey that are seeked out by the younger men

And Urban Dictionary has a plethora (I love this word) of definitions for

Hot Young'un

Since I have been PMSing, and I was stood up by a loser last week… it's a bit difficult not to be a little down.
So Friday night I hung out with some friends since I didn't have a date. On the way home we stopped to see some other friends. These friends had a Hot Young'un amongst them. I find out on Saturday that the Hot Young'un asked about me and several times to boot.
I said, " What is he… 5?"
And the response was "No… He's 24"
Again, I replied, "Like I said 5."
Now it's Sunday and I hear that my friend bumped into the Hot Young'un again. As they are about to part Hot Young'un says "I shouldn't tell you this but last night as I was having sex with my girlfriend… and all I could think of was the Redhead".

Can I tell you how I SOOOO needed to hear something this?!?!