It’s Sooooo Short!

For some time now Mini Red has wanted her hair real short. Every time I take her to get her hair cut it just doesn’t seem to be short enough for her.

She has told me that she likes the idea of tricking people into thinking she is a boy. A little boy once asked her what she was, a boy or a girl, and she didn’t like that at all.

As a Mom I am here to guide but I have to make sure I don’t strangle who she is inside. So even though I am a long hair person I have been supportive of her want of short hair. The short hair has still had length until recently.

I took her to see Kim, our hairdresser, and the three of us discussed what Mini Red wants. As Kim is cutting I’m thinking, “Ahhh a lot is being cut off and it's looking like Flock of Seagulls!” This worries me and I fear the crying of “Oh no my hair!” Kim tells Mini Red to feel the back of her hair and her face went to a big O. She was thrilled and I am so happy she is happy but oye it’s really short!

I took a photo with my phone and sent it to her father who was less than thrilled but he too understands that Mini Red is at an age where she is making more and more of her own decisions. However, his wife is frustrated since she is trying to grow her long hair back after dealing with chemo and here Mini Red cuts all hers off.

What I finally understood is she didn’t want to look like a boy but amaze people how nice she looks with short hair. She also tells me that she wants something different than all the other girls. So when people see her hair they realize she walks to the beat of her own drummer.

It’s gonna take some time for me to get used to it but I’m glad she is happy with it. She understands that I need to get used to it but I have stressed that what is important is she is happy with it no matter what anyone says including her parents.

Tip-O-The-Day #1

"Don't put your finger where you wouldn't put your nose."
-TOG

My eyes are up here!

Yes I'm talking about Boobs! Breasts, titties, nords, ninnies. What a fascinating subject.

You know it was just about two years ago I made a realization. As I was walking down the street I realized it wasn’t just my hair that was getting stares... (looking down)… but it was these! The Boobs!

This is a subject many write about… A LOT!

Psuacoustician’s most recent post, “Was it nipple erecting and awesome?”, Is sure to attract attention but she’s talking about the Indigo Girls concert she went to.

Green_canary cracks me up with her post, “Hello, and welcome to my boobs”. I wanted to run out and buy a food scale.

I even, recently, blogged about bra shopping and the lazy eye phenemon.

It amazes me how two mounds of flesh can stir up so much attention. They are the joke, the desire, the fear.

I once dated a guy who was an ass man but by the time we broke up he was a boob man… or at least while we were together he was. Or there was this party I went to and everyone was married except for two of us. One of the women said to the single dude, “With that hair and that chest you need to talk to her cause I can’t believe she’s single.” Well, that was flattering… I think?

I’m more than just hair and boobs, but evidently, it attracts both good and bad attention. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. Maybe I’ll just buy some minimizers?

**Photo courtesy of John B

The Legend of Cootie Brown

Cootie Brown is a term my family has used as long as I can remember... or at least since I was allowed to drink.

"Cousin W got the Cootie Brown award at Cousin A's wedding. We think it was the Wild Turkey that did him in."

Recently, Miss Tish did a post asking for information on this legend. I shared what we had all heard from my Grandfather before he passed, who said Cootie Brown was the town drunk. My Dad and I can only assume he meant Point of Rocks, Maryland, where he grew up. Evidently, "Cootie Brown" is a widely used term in the south, primarily Tennessee, to express how drunk someone is.

Miss Tish did a second post with information she received from Belly:

"According to the Farmer’s Almanac, Cooter (Cootie) Brown lived along the Mason-Dixon Line at the start of the Civil War. He had family on both sides. Not wishing to be drafted by the North or the South, he decided to get drunk - and stay drunk - so that he wouldn’t have to fight in the war. Drunkenness has been measured against him ever since!"

I am calling out to see if anyone out there has any more information on the Legend of Cootie Brown before we have to start making up our own story of his legend.

View from my desk

1) Three bamboo stalks given to me, by Sabeen, with a note that reads. "Red, for keeping away the black clouds." Sabeen and I have come to the conclusion that everyone has blacks clouds and some are worse than others and at different times.

2) My Lavender Aromatherapy plant. I was showing it to a coworker and explained that you need to rub it with your fingers and then smell or you really can't smell it. She smelled my fingers and when I pointed it that she just smelled my fingers she turned beat red and laughed her ass off.

3) School picture of Mini Red with braces from a few years ago in a frame my Mother painted.

4) An Anthurian plant also know as a Lady Jane. I found little mites on it today. Let the battle begin because I will prevail!

A Saturday Night Out

It was Saturday night and my brother suggested I join him and his wife and their friends in Bethesda. I figured why not I really need to get out and maybe meet new people.

They were already there when I arrived. I knew most of the group but there was still that awkwardness. I was introduced to those I didn’t know and Brotha-Man told me BN, my sister’s friend, was bartending at the back bar. I excused myself and went to say hello.

BN is the equivalent to our fourth sibling, and she is the only one who has ever climbed into bed with our parents, except of course for the cats. We made idle chit chat and I asked her about the dude she’s been seeing. She is sickeningly giddy at just the thought of him and tells me she is in love. I so happy for her and glad to hear it since it’s been evident to everyone else for some time now.

I’m told my sister, and her boyfriend, have left his party to go to Cleveland Park to some obscure bar. My sister is becoming known for the new and obscure bars she and her boyfriend visit. We are hoping they meet up with us but they never do… At least while I am there.

So BN hooks me up and asks me to try and get the group to the back bar. Ahhhh the beer tastes good… this is just what I’ve been needing. We all, eventually, move to the back bar and Brotha-Man is getting shots for his friends and they are getting crazy. My Sister-In-Law (SIL) and I are just watching as they get crazy and the bar gets more and more packed.

One of the guys, I hadn’t met before, was drinking energy drinks with vodka and the occasional shot. Every time he talked he spit and this seems to get worse with every drink he has. I could barely contain myself when SIL, blatantly, wiped at a big spittle that hit her face. She then made a very astute observation… this guy reminded her of a young Rodney Dangerfield. Damn if she didn’t hit the nail on the head. Every time he thought he was being really funny or really enjoying a story he was telling his eyes would bug out. So lets put this all together and maybe you can get this fabulous visual. Imagine a guy who is very hyper, thinks he’s hilarious, bugs his eyes out, spits as he speaks then starts dancing around. Oh I almost forgot when he complimented my hair and kissed my hand. SIL seemed to enjoy it so I just kinda wiped my hand on her. We tried our best to keep away especially after he puked. I heard he got sick a few more times after I left. Glad I missed that.

I look up because someone just threw ice at me and I realize it’s BN and she’s holding up a beer for me. I gotta be careful cause I could get drunk this way and I decide I might need to stay out of her line of sight. This is no problem since the place is getting more and more packed. BN knows most of the people there and I see ice flying across the room when she wants to get someone’s attention.

I’m feeling so old because everyone in the place is at least ten years younger than me but they are definitely fun to watch and I think SIL is enjoying it too. We notice this one dude with and interesting necklace and SIL says, “Nothing says I want your number better than poison darts hanging from your neck.” The music is getting louder and we notice the, ever common, “Air Maracas” dance going on around us.

I’ve stopped drinking because if I didn’t I would have to call the cab company and say, “Find the Mad Cabbie cause Red needs ride home”. So as I have stopped they are getting more and more drunk. Sometimes it’s fun to watch when your sober but I’m getting hungry since I ate a late lunch and no dinner. I’m seriously debating walking over to Tastee Diner.

In the end I left and went home to fix myself a wrap with mayo, lettuce, tomato and fried egg. It was awesome not-to-mention much less expensive. Actually, it was an inexpensive evening all around for me. I kinda like it that way

Numbers and Letters

I was walking to my car after work, on Friday, and I saw this license plate and it got me thinking. It wasn’t a vanity plate or anything it’s just sometimes I will crunch numbers in my head, e.g. if a house number is 2131 it totals 7 or 5722 totals 16 but then that totals 7. Yeah I know silly things like counting as you walk, which I did when I was little, to see how high I counted just walking to my friends house.

If I see letters I will figure out what they could be an acronym for but this is usually for memorization purposes. Sometimes its fun on long drives.

My ex husband had a car with a license plate that started with WFN. He was trying to memorize his plate and I suggested that he remembers it as an acronym. He came up with Wife For Now and we laughed. Little did either of us know

OK so the plate I saw ended with TFB. I really like this one… maybe I will use it someday.

"Tough Fucking Bitch"

Cocky gets you Nowhere

I just finished reading and commenting on Brico’s most recent post. And I sat on the couch to watch some mind numbing television before bed. I settled on The Contender on ESPN. I loved this show last season. Nothing better than watching a boxing match!

I missed most of the show but was just in time for the fight. Prior to the fight they show each fighter in his prep area with his family. The Dad and the girlfriend show up for the guy from the yellow team and they are supportive and encouraging for him. The wife and child show up for the guy on the blue team and again all encouraging and supportive but there before the family leaves they have a group prayer and they all hold hands and bow their head. This is reminding me of Dog, The Bounty Hunter. They guy asks for God to give him this win and this bothers me. Why can’t he ask God for strength? That’s like me asking God for the pretty watch I saw in the store window. Ridiculous, isn’t it?

The Contender only has them fight 5 rounds and Blue Trunks does really well in the first two rounds. Yellow Trunks can’t even touch him and it’s as if his arms are too short and he can’t seem to dodge the right hooks he getting to his jaw, not-to-mention the powerful uppercut he received.

The blue team is excited and so is Blue Trunks wife, who is standing with her arms straight up like she is Rocky and acting all cocky. Blue Trunks himself seems calm about the situation. I can’t tell you how much I hate cocky people.

Round 3: Yellow Trunks kicks Blue Trunks ass and it’s very exciting. Blue Trunks
wife is now sitting with her arms crossed. I think she’s pouting?

Round 4: Now Yellow Trunks is getting cocky. He does the Popeye swinging of his arm, round and round, and a funny little dance. I’m thinking this is just gonna bite him in the ass.

Round 5: Yellow Trunks got bit in the ass. He even went down… but got back up. We all know who the winner is... Blue Trunks.

I believe that if you get cocky you’ve lost focus or your just simple minded and don’t understand the big picture. Blue Trunks never got cocky only his wife did, but I didn’t like his approach with his prayer and I feel he needs to rethink that. I guess his prayer is “Television Prayer” and insincere. Yellow Trunks should have never gotten cocky, especially, after the horrible first two rounds he had. He paid for it in the end.

Yes it’s that time again!

I hate bra shopping! It’s comparable to car shopping and that isn’t a lot of fun until your done. Bra shopping is a pain in the ass and when you’re done your just happy you’re done. There are so many makes and models of bras not-to-mention colors. They all have different purposes and no one bra can do it all. Victoria’s Secret doesn’t sell my cup size in her main line and spilling out over a bra is tacky. This is also known as “Quadra Boob” (see photo).

With the heat we have been having, the office has been cold… really cold. So cold, I can feel it in my… ummm… yeah boobs. I’m often found wearing a jacket around the office because I really don’t like my headlights on plus it just gets that cold sometimes.

My goal with my bras is that headlights are not noticeable because I have fear of “The Lazy Eye”. I have been searching for a picture of this phenomenon, for post, and can’t seem to find one suitable. The lazy eye is when the nipples are pointing in different directions. For some women this is, evidently, just the way they were made. With women with larger breasts is tends to be misalignment of the nipples when the bra is put on. This is made worse when women are older and had many kids and I think you get my point. There are many case scenarios.

For me this has not been a problem…yet, but it is definitely a fear.

Forget sleeping with the fishes… How about showering with the crickets?

For some reason I've just been exhausted lately. I can't seem to get my ass into bed to fall asleep. I tend to fall asleep on the couch then realize I need to clean up, from dinner, and clean and moisturize my face. By that time I'm awake and ready to scrub bathrooms and clean. But I can't because I would wake up Mini Red.

I tend to be on the nocturnal side but not as much as when I was younger. I would sleep til noon after staying up til 3am. Now a days I'm still up just not as late and 9am is sleeping in for me. I'm afraid I'll miss the day. This is especially true when I go to the beach. I love getting up at 6am and going biking, with Dad, down the boardwalk and picking up hot donuts on the way home. Then sitting on the beach reading until it's time for Happy Hour. Maybe a nap somewhere in there too!

This morning I hit the snooze for an hour and was still dragging around. I got in the shower and when I looked down at the cleaning scrub brush I keep in my shower something moved. Aaaahhhh! Damnit! It's one of those crickets. I hopped out and screamed for Mini Red.

Mini Red: "What Mom?"

Red: "I found that cricket that got loose! They always end up in my shower."

Mini Red: "Here's the tube. I just finished feeding Kima."

Red: "Is it empty?"

Mini Red: "Yeah"

Red: " No it isn't, I see one in there and I'm not letting another one loose, with me naked, in this shower."

Mini Red runs off and comes back quickly. I check again to make sure the tube is empty before opening it to capture the loose cricket in my shower. Mini Red takes the tube and feeds the cricket to Kima.

I finish my shower and I assure you I'm awake now.

Yes, I own a Bearded Dragon, and I love her, but the crickets creep me out. This is why we have a very nice little system for storing the crickets and capturing them in these tubes to then feed to Kima. This doesn't mean that every once-in-a-while there aren't escapees.

The cricket I found this morning got loose maybe a month ago. Mini Red was feeding Kima one morning and calls to me because one got loose and she had it trapped. She told me the tube was empty and I didn't check before handing it over to her to capture the loose cricket. She was WRONG! We now have two loose… Oye! I quickly grabbed the gardening gloves and picked up the one I could see and fed it to Kima. The other one was nowhere to be found. SHIT! This means I will find it in my shower one morning. I found one in the shower once before but we never knew one had escaped.

I understand this might happen but when these bugs are loose in your home and you find it when you least expect it and naked on top of that… It tends to freak you out a bit.

Does familiarity cause attraction?

I picked Mini Red up from camp and as we walked to our car there was this guy in the parking lot who was getting ready to play baseball. I couldn’t help but look at him. There was something familiar. There was an attraction. He looked too. Did he find me attractive or was it that familiar feeling too?

As I pulled out of my parking spot I looked back and he saw me looking… BUSTED!

As I drove away it came to me… Was I attracted to him or was it the familiarity factor? Or was it the familiarity that helped the attraction? Hmmmm?

I’ve been thinking about this concept all evening and I’ve come up with two similar examples:

1) I tend to find the men on match.com unappealing anymore (yes I do peruse it). I have seen a man on the street and then his match photo pops up in my head and nine times out of ten, I think, “Hmmm better in person”. Ok maybe six times out of ten.

2) I have gotten albums/tapes/cds (I know I’m aging myself here) and the first time I listen I am usually less than thrilled. But I go back and listen a week or two later and it’s familiar and I enjoy the albums/tapes/cds more and want to listen more.

So I’m still wondering about this attraction. The guy has aspects I’m attracted to… tall, goatee and I saw a tattoo on his arm as I was driving away. Wow that sounds funny now that I have it written out there. I mean goatees and tattoos are not a pre-requisite in my book. I guess they just give the air of “Bad-Boy". Bad-boys have definite sex appeal but many a women will tell you they aren’t keepers and will only get you into trouble.

I definitely prefer someone taller than my 5’7” but I have dated 5’9”. I just had to wear flats. A date’s height can change a whole outfit. If you have to wear flats then you have to wear an outfit to compliment it... To compliment me. To date a taller man allows me a wider range of outfits and to wear some of my favorite shoes that put me to about 5’11”.

Please don’t confuse me with some fashionista because that I definitely am not! I’m quite the opposite therefore I try to avoid obstacles when it comes to dressing and looking decent. Hence my closet is full of black, white and brown.

Over the past year I have made serious attempts to step up my fashion game. My hair has left the boring, flat, one length for some layers. I have weeded out the clunky shoes for more stylish pointy toed ones. Summertime I would prefer to live in my Teva flops or, even better, no shoes at all. Shhhh don’t tell my Chiropractor that one, he thinks everyone should wear orthopedic shoes 24/7. Sorry, I digressed. The flops would certainly allow for shorter dates but I have some great high heel boots for winter what do I do then?

Stepping up my game has been something my female co-workers became aware of and seemed to enjoy. The best compliment was when one of the other girls came in one day in this great outfit. When I complimented her she said she was trying to step up her game like I did. But she is married… has a man.

I’m not looking to be married, but if it happens so-be-it. It would be nice to find a dude who compliments me, or should I say completes me (yeah, I really just said that). Someone to hang out with, travel with do various things with and I think you know what I mean… wink wink. It would be nice to have some of that wink wink on a regular basis.

I know I know, some of you that know me are screaming “TOO MUCH INFORMATION!” But your still reading, aren’t you? Well I’m done now.

Another itchy cricket run

After picking up Mini Red from camp we made a cricket run to Our Favorite Tropical Pet Store for Kima. Boss Guy was there, as usual.

As we walk in Boss Guy says:

“How are two prettiest white chicks in the neighborhood?”

Mini Red didn’t like this, which was clearly expressed on her face.

He looked at her and said,

“Ok… How’s the prettiest Mom and freak daughter???

That still did not meet Mini Red’s satisfaction. So he asked her what he could do besides compliments and with no response from her he gave up.

On the drive home I asked if Mini Red noticed Boss Guy back to his old habits of scratching his balls, because I saw him do it twice today.

Mini Red said,

“I didn’t see it today but he was scratching last time we were there.”

Redheads... - m4w - 41

Redheads are worth selling your soul for.

Redheads are fissionable material, packaged in

A storm of seductiveness and sensuality.

I adore redheads.

I worship redheads.

I was born to cherish them.

I was born to adore them.

I will love them, now and forever.

I am theirs.

This I found on craigslist under missed connections and it made me smile.

Thank you!

Wow "Superman Returns" was awesome!

The special effects were great and the story line was interesting.

I was pleasantly surprised that Brandon Routh did Superman justice or should I say Christopher Reeve justice.

I prefer Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor rather than Gene Hackman. Kevin brought across a more kniving, calculated Lex whereas Gene seemed more psycho.

I highly recommend, at least, watching the first Superman prior to seeing this new one. You will see how they made a concerted effort to bring them all together.

It also helps that this was a free movie and free concessions through work contacts. Mini Red loved wearing a VIP pass. Every so often through the movie she would whisper, "I'm a VIP!"

Maybe I'm not made of Steel

Last night Mini Red and I watched Steele Magnolias. Steele Magnolias is a definite tearjerker but I don’t think I’ve sat down and watched it all the way through since I had Mini Red.

Julia Roberts looked so young and it was obvious it was made in the 80’s because of the shoulder puffiness. It’s amazing the memories this movie brings back. I was married and living in Waldorf when Steele Magnolias was released. The theater is no longer there; I believe it’s a Bed Bath & Beyond now. He actually wanted to see it too but even more unbelievable was he cried too. You could hear the sniffles throughout the theater because everyone was crying.

I’m not a crier and rarely cry at movies but I was feeling the mother daughter thing I guess. My eyes were red and puffy by the time the movie was over and so was Mini Red's. Maybe I’m just PMSing? I need to go check my calendar.

This morning the original Superman, with Christopher Reeve, was on. This was really cool to watch since Mini Red and I are going to see Superman Returns tomorrow. She had never seen it before and loved it. I remember when it came out in theaters and we thought the special effects were so cool. The thought of Christopher Reeve and the direction his life took and the accident he suffered brought tears to my eyes.

I’ve stayed tuned in to Christopher Reeve since his accident. He did so much to lobby for new research for spinal cord injuries. This is especially important to my family since my cousin’s life changed due to his injury that has left him paralyzed. Neither of these men has let their injuries slow them down. Christopher Reeve’s paralysis was extremely bad and took any mobility from him yet he was still very active. My cousin had a promising football career and was very physically active. He lost the use of his legs but turned his life in a different direction and is now a lawyer.

My cousin is my inspiration. Anytime I may be having a tough time in my life I just think of him and realize anything I’m dealing with is nothing compared to what he has dealt with. A prime example is my divorce, countless times I would think of my cousin and I would be reminded that if he could deal with his then I could deal with mine.

Ok so now maybe you can see why watching Superman made me verklempt.

I guess you could say I haven’t been made of steel lately like the Magnolias or Superman

Well, I never...

Have seen such a sight.

Today I met my Sister In-Law for lunch at a local mall. As we were walking by the Godiva Chocolate shop I noticed it!

Three hot guys, two behind the counter, in the Godiva shop and a tray of chocolate covered strawberries on the counter.

I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

It finally happened!

No… Red still has not gotten a hot date.

I saw him!

I have been dying to see one of them, but with the new route for the next few weeks I knew the probability of seeing any of them was slim.

Them?

1. "Pink Mini Skirt Dude"
2. "Walking Man"
3. "The Grandma Dressing Man"

Last time I saw “Walking Man” I swore that the next time I saw him I would roll down my window and, in a Mrs. Doubtfire way, I would say (yell) “HELLLLLLOOOOOO Walking man!”

Well… it finally happened… but not quite as I expected. I picked up Mini Red from camp and on our way home, in traffic, I suddenly saw him! There was no time to get the window down and I started bellowing. Mini Red was shocked, to say the least, and was looking at me very strangley before she started laughing and choking on the apple she was eating.

I was so excited to see one of my boys! Everytime I see one of them it just makes my day, and I needed this today, or rather this week.

My commute has been hellacious due to the location of Mini Red’s camp. I have been spending approximately 3 hrs a day on the road. It is well worth it because Mini Red loves this camp more than any other camp she has been at. It is this reason I extended time there for two more weeks.

Great excuse for telecommuting, which I will be doing tomorrow

Oh the gluttony of it

I did it again! I wasn't even very hungry but I ate the whole damn thing!

Thai Old Town has the best Chicken Pad Thai with plenty of spices, and then some... if you want. I have never been able to get enough spices with the Chicken Pad Thai anywhere else but Thai Old Town.

One of the things I love about their Pad Thai is it helps with migraines. I'll get an order the next level of spicy. This then forces me to drink a ton of water to put out the fire thus fulfilling my body's need for hydration to work with my migraine medication to kill the migraine sooner rather than later. Well... it works for me.

It bothers me that I just can't seem to control myself lately and it goes down so easy. Every time I promise myself to leave half for lunch the next day and it just doesn't happen.

At least I'm not the only one. For a while there we had Thai Buddies within the office. We would team up in twos and promise to share the meal. I did hear of some reneging on their teammates mid purchase, which is just WRONG! Then both end up gluttonous, once again, defeating the whole purpose of Thai Buddies in the first place.

As you can see this is an issue with many of us, thus forcing us to limit our trips to Thai Old Town Restaurant. Except, of course, those special occasions like an officemate's birthday. The problem then arises that this is everyone choice for his or her birthday lunch and we still end up there quite often. They have become quite familiar with this group since we are many and we are often and this is a small place. I don't think they were very happy when we came in with 22, except for that fact that we had reservations and we tip them well because they definitely keep our waters filled.

Keeping the water filled is very important because the spice can be awesome. I am noticing a trend though. More and more of us are ordering our food spicier than ever before. I once thought if I got it spicier then I'll drink more water then I won't eat as much. It worked for a while but seems I'm ready for the next level of spicy.

Oye! My face will soon match my hair.

He just smelled his finger?!?!?!?!

I’m catching bits of Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe on the Discovery Channel and he’s at an alligator farm.

I look up to watch them slide baby alligators at Mike and he is to grab it the way they showed him. Then pass it out to the next guy outside the pen they are in. But before the next guy takes this alligator he stuffs his finger up its butt to determine the sex. He says if he feels a penis it’s a boy and if he doesn’t then it’s a girl.

Mike is having a difficult time and these alligators are falling into the water he is standing in. He finally is getting the hang of this when the Dude on the outside tells Mike to stick his finger up the alligator’s butt and let him know if it’s a boy or a girl. He does it and they pan to the alligator’s eyes before going back to Mike who determines… nothing and you can’t help but feel he just violated this young alligator. The other guy determines the sex and walks off with the animal as you see Mike do the most unbelievable thing… He smelled his finger!

Favorite line of the Weekend:

Stated by drinking game player

“I feel like I just got raped with my pants on!”

Until...

This I heard a kid on the beach say

"Does wine count as beer?"

Drama of the Weekend

My sister is the least dramatic person I know but drama seems to envelop her and often. She has this friend (C-Girl) who seems to always be mad at her and blames her for a lot of BS.

I can’t tell you how many times my sister was at the Beach, where C-Girl lives, and my sister is afraid of C-Girl happening to see her and get mad that she wasn’t called. It wouldn’t even matter if my sister were with family only.

There was recently some drama C0Girl was upset with my sister yet she never gets mad at B-Girl, who is the worst friend in the world. She told my sister that she expected more of her. What the hell is that? Well, this drama was resolved and my sister was relived.

Now there is another drama which revolves around the fact that C-Girl cannot be responsible for her own actions and act like an adult. See C-Girl remained a virgin until she was 23. Once she lost it she seemed to have gone on a rampage. No problem, in my opinion, as long as she protected herself.

Well one night she drank a bit much and hooked up with C-Boy. C-Girl I might add initiated this, and she later regretted it. Not sure why she regretted it since I, recently, met this due and he seemed attractive enough.

Anyhow, my sister and I had the run of the beach place this weekend. I invited some friends and my sister brought her boyfriend and each invited a few friends to join. Well my sister invited C-Girl and C-Boy was invited by my sister’s boyfriend.

C-Girl came over Saturday afternoon and beached with us. At least until… she heard C-Boy was invited. Oye! She was not happy with that news. How dare my sister and her boyfriend invite him when they knew she was going to be present. My sister’s boyfriend is a straightforward type of guy and told her she needed to grow up. Well… that didn’t go over so well either. She wasn’t beaching with us long before she gathered her stuff and left.

What really irritates me is my sister is so sweet and will do anything for her friends and this girl has gone a bit far. I told my sister she need to let it go because this is no friend. But more importantly she shouldn’t let C-Girl ruin her weekend.

So C-Boy shows up and we all go out for happy hour. Just before we left my sister’s boyfriend realizes that C-Boy stuff is in my room and goes to move it but not before saying to me, “I guess C-Boy is shacking up with you tonight.” To which I replied, “Why not? Everyone else has shacked up with him!”

She found a Dildo in her yard!?!?!

From the best of Craigs List in Seattle was this post, which was forwarded to me by a friend who found it very Redesque and thought I might enjoy it. I laughed so hard I thought I would share it with you.

To the person/slut who disposed of their DILDO in my yard:

Date: 2006-06-25, 9:48PM PDT

I awoke this fine morning hoping to retrieve the Sunday paper from the lawn without incident, pretty standard. How shocked was I to encounter a DILDO on my lawn? It was flesh-tone… you know a waxy, crayon-ish, unrealistic shade of flesh and it wasn’t really smooth. There were bits of grass stuck to it and some small black bugs had claimed it as their own flesh-tone yard log.

NOW, I am all about people having a good time whether it is with other people or by themselves BUT since when did a DILDO become a one-time-use disposable item?

Plausible and not so plausible reasons why a DILDO may have turned up in my yard:

1. It was made out of biodegradable material - so really, any yard would serve as a perfectly acceptable place to dispose of your DILDO. Dispose is such an ugly word shall we use the phrase, return to the Earth, instead?

2. My yard looked too barren - so instead of placing a creepy gnome or obnoxious pink flamingo on the lawn to liven things up a bit you decided that a flesh-tone DILDO was the perfect choice to add just the right amount of spice.

3. This was a hint – so I’m a single chick living alone on the Eastside (truly this is a curse) who is not getting a lot of action. Could you be a little more subtle, please? A DILDO on the lawn is like someone walking around with a T-shirt on that reads, Bush is a fucking moron…not too much to read into or figure out there! Jeeeeeeeeez!

***Side Note: No amount of cleaning, not even a run through the dishwasher on SANATIZE, would ever be enough to entice me into riding this pre-owned, mysterious lawn dong

4. It fell out – so you were walking across my lawn for some inexplicable reason last night and your portable, 9 inches (guesstimate) of love fell out of you and you didn’t notice. OR maybe you did notice and just thought…ewwww icky grass and bugs, let’s just leave it here. I’ll buy a new DILDO with my daddy’s credit card tomorrow.

5. Someone was practicing – so some big event or competition is coming up. Here is a list of the possibilities as I see them:

a. The Lorena Bobbitt Cock Tossing Competition
b. The rollout of the new board game: Hustler’s Scavenger Hunt
c. The 16th Annual Wear Your Cock on the Walk fundraiser for ED.
d. Naughty Lawn Darts on the Eastside – BYOD – bring your own dart.

6. New Candid Camera Show to Air – so this was all caught on tape and you may soon be viewing it in your living room. I’ll be the one with sever bed head wearing the purple, shorty pajamas and a WTF expression.

Ten things I’m tired of…

In honor of Brico I am doing my first ever list of TEN.

1) Rain (D.C. is getting a lot of this lately)
2) Sweating in this heat (especially, when the a/c broke)
3) Tourists (They can’t drive so get outta my way)
4) Losing my electricity (due to rain)
5) Spam at work (spam anywhere)
6) Gas prices (enuf said)
7) Car issues (broke down twice last week)
8) Being tired (can we have one or two more hours in the day please?)
9) Rain (It’s raining again!)
10) Resetting my clocks… again

It just don’t get no better than this…

My car is in the shop and they were out of loaner cars.

“Would a Miata Convertible be ok?”

Red: “Duh… Yeah.”

“Oh and your car isn’t ready so would you mind keeping the convertible Miata for the weekend and your trip to the beach?”

Red: Duh… cool!

Start Saturday by riding a huge speedboat called the Rocket. Hit a cute little store for a sale then sitting on the beach reading as Mini Red plays in the ocean with brotha man. Come back to the condo to shower and sit down for steamed crabs but not before I hit up the Kegerator for a nice cold beer.

It just don’t get no better than eating beer and drinkin crabs.

Maybe next I'll be putting an ice cream sundae in this lactose intolerant body.

Hmmm?